


What we used to be

by merle_p



Category: Brothers & Sisters
Genre: Future Fic, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-20
Updated: 2008-01-20
Packaged: 2017-10-09 00:27:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/81052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merle_p/pseuds/merle_p
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elizabeth grows up.  Past and future intertwine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What we used to be

**Author's Note:**

> Written January 2008.  
> Spoilers for 1.05 Date Night, 1.07 Northern Exposure, and 2.04-2.10  
> B&amp;S belongs to ABC; the title and the subtitles are from the inofficial B&amp;S theme song "Pictures of you" by The Last Goodnight.

  
This is the clock up on the wall  
This is the story of us all  
This is the first sound of a new born child before he starts to crawl  


 

They are celebrating Lizzy's fourth birthday when it happens the first time.

The whole clan is having lunch at this family-friendly diner near the winery, and Lizzy is squeezed between Kevin and Scotty, all shiny eyes and pink cheeks, proudly wearing her tiny paper crown.  
The waitress takes Lizzy's order – fries and wings and lemonade – and then she looks at Kevin, smiling, and says: "And for your dad?"

Kevin panics, stammers something about uncles and daughters that probably doesn't make any sense, and it's Robert who finally reassures the waitress and tells her they are fine, because everyone else at the table has suddenly gone completely quiet.

Kevin stares at his hands, doesn't have to look up to know that Kitty and Sarah are exchanging concerned glances, that Justin is fidgeting nervously in his seat, that Scotty and Graham are mouthing "OMG, this family" at each other.

Then Tommy yells "Dammit!" and slams his fist into the table, causing the silverware to jump, and Kevin almost knocks his chair over in his haste to get out of the room.

Behind him, Nora says sternly: "This isn't Kevin's fault, Tommy," and Tommy hisses:

"Do you think I don't know that?"

That's when Lizzy starts to cry.

*

"This is _exactly_ why I said no to him in the first place," Kevin says through clenched teeth, when Scotty comes after him in the parking lot ten minutes later.

"You know," Scotty answers casually, "I don't think you ever really told me what happened after I fled from the ranch house that night."

Kevin looks up with a somewhat forced smile.

"Well. You left me that day. My family was ready to kill me. That wasn't exactly the best night of my life."

Scotty pulls a face. "I'm sorry," he says, but Kevin just shakes his head.

"It wasn't your fault."

Scotty wraps an arm around Kevin's waist and pulls him close.

"She's got your eyes, you know," he says.

Kevin laughs weakly. "Her eyes are blue. Julia's got blue eyes as well."

Scotty smiles. "They are not just blue. They are Kevin Walker blue. That's sort of a trademark, you know."

Kevin grins, more genuinely this time. "You mean, like YKB – the Yves Klein Blue?"

"Yeah. Something like that." Scotty says. "Come on, let's say goodbye to the others. I'll take you home."

This earthquake weather has got me shaking  


_Kitty finally leaves, but Kevin stays in the driveway for a long time, and it's past midnight when he eventually gets up._

Tommy and Justin are sitting on the porch when he gets back to the house, and yeah, figures that those two would bond over their anger at Kevin. He tries not to look at them, because he feels like crying, and that's not something he wants them to see right now.

"Where's Scotty?" Justin asks when he reaches for the door knob, and Kevin tenses.

"Gone," he says, without turning around.

"Oh," Justin says, taken aback. "That sucks. I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Kevin nods. "Me, too."

He opens the door and is already inside when he realizes that Tommy is following him.

"Kevin," Tommy says, a hand on Kevin's shoulder, forcing him to turn around.

"Look. I'm sorry about Scotty. I didn't want this to happen."

Kevin swallows back the tears. "I know. Don't worry." He tries to shake off Tommy's hand, but his brother's grip is firm.

"Kevin, I didn't ask you to do it because you're gay. That doesn't have anything to do with it."

"Yeah?" He looks up to his big brother's worried face. "Why did you do it, then?"

"Because," Tommy struggles. "Because your child would be as close to being mine as it's ever going to be."

The tears are back and Kevin doesn't have the strength to keep them in anymore. If Tommy notices, he doesn't say anything.

Confess to me  
All that lies between us  


Lizzy is fourteen when she turns up on her uncles' doorstep one night, flushed and clearly upset.

"Does your dad know you're here?" Kevin wants to know, feeling obliged to ask the question.

"I hate him," Lizzy replies, hotly, "and he's _not_ my dad."

Paul stares at her, wide-eyed, agape, and Kevin is grateful when Scotty lures him into his bedroom with the promise to play video-games.

Lizzy throws her coat over the back of the couch and flops down on it. Takes the coke Kevin is offering and looks up at him. "You are my dad, right?"

Kevin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, sitting down next to her on the couch.

"If you're asking me if I'm your biological father," he says, carefully. "You know that it could be Justin as well."

"Because I look _so much_ like Uncle Justin," she says sarcastically, and it reminds him far too much of himself.

He sighs. "Well, yeah. If you put it like that. Okay, so it's likely that I'm your biological father. But that doesn't mean Tommy isn't your _dad_."

Lizzy kicks the leg of the couch table, but without real force. "It's just – it's so weird."

I hear you, Kevin wants to say. Instead, he answers: "You know that Paul is not my biological son, either."

She shakes her curls. "That's different. You are two guys. You can't get children on your own. It's normal for you to – you know."

Kevin thinks that Lizzy's definition of _normal_ is totally worth discussing one day. "Your parents couldn't get children on their own, either."

She frowns, looking strangely disappointed. "So you don't think it's weird at all?"

Kevin wonders how honest he can be without risking Tommy's ire. Then thinks that his brother will probably be angry at him no matter what he says, and hell, he talked to Paige about his commitment issues when she was nine.

"When your dad asked me, I didn't want to do it. Had a huge fight with Aunt Sarah. And your dad. And Uncle Scotty."

She nods, not surprised at all, like she expected him to say something like that.

"So why did you do it, then?"

Kevin runs a hand over his face. "Because he _really_ wanted to have that baby. And because I could give him that."

He actually thinks that's a pretty good answer, but apparently, it's not, because Lizzy's eyes cloud over.

"So if they wanted me so badly – why did Mom leave with me when I was a baby, and why did they _cheat_ on each other?"

Kevin chokes on his coke. So _this_ is what all that's about. "Who told you about that, Lizzy?"

She raises her chin, defiantly. "Paige did."

Of course. It probably shouldn't surprise him as much as it does. Secrets just don't stay secrets in this family, no matter what generation is concerned. Suddenly, he feels very tired, and old.

"Do you want to sleep over tonight?" he says finally. "I'll call your mom. And Uncle Scotty can drop you off at school tomorrow."

She gives him one of her brilliant smiles, and he figures that redressing the emotional balance of their family is worth missing out on the blowjob Scotty promised him earlier.

Every secret moment  
Every stolen promise you've believed  


_"Kevin. What are you doing here?" Saul looks surprised when he opens the door - and more than uncomfortable._

"Well." Kevin says, voice somewhere between fearful and challenging. "You left. Uncle Saul, are you angry at me?"

"Angry?" Saul raises a brow, expression unreadable. "Why should I be angry at you?"

"You tell me," Kevin says, exasperatedly. "I thought, you of all people ..."

His uncle's eyes narrow. "What do you mean, 'you of all people'?" he asks sharply.

Kevin frowns. "Nothing. Just – I just thought – I hoped that you'd understand. Not – not like Dad."

Saul still doesn't make any move to invite Kevin in. Instead, he leans against the door frame and sighs.

"I'm sorry, Kevin, that I left like that. I can imagine what William said to you. It's just –"

Kevin feels his anger rising. "It's what?" He hisses. "What, Uncle Saul? Too much? A shock? Disgusting?"

Saul looks taken aback, and Kevin almost regrets his outburst. Saul is not old, not really. But he's from another generation,and _religious, _and _male_ – he can see how it was foolish to assume that Saul would know how to deal with this. He was stupid to hope that Saul would back him up. In the end, Saul is a man like any other – just a man like Kevin's dad.

  
Pictures of you  
Pictures of me    


When Nora calls him at his office the next day, and asks him to come over after work, he knows that she's already heard.  
He leaves a message on Scotty's voicemail and makes sure that Cooper remembers his promise to pick up Paul after school, then cancels his last appointment for the day.

"You know," he says, pouring the tea, because Nora's hands are shaking worse than usual. "When I was Lizzy's age, I wanted Uncle Saul to be my dad. It was – Dad and I were always fighting, and Uncle Saul – he just got me, you know? Liked to spend time with me. Or so I thought." He sighs and sits down, takes one of the cookies Nora offers.

His mother takes one herself and breaks it in half.

"He did," she says. "He enjoyed it as much as you did. Probably more. He liked being able to teach you things."

"But when I came out," Kevin says, and after all this years, he still can't keep his voice steady, "and he didn't help me, didn't even talk to me for days, I was – I was so disappointed. I felt like he'd let me down."

Nora smiles, a bit sadly. "They both let you down, I guess. It was hard for me to understand at the time, and even today ...."

"Yeah, but dad was the one who was responsible for me. He had to worry about me, had to pay for college. I get that now. It's not an excuse for anything, but ..."

Nora shrugs. "Parents can only try to give their best. They still make mistakes."

Kevin frowns. "Tommy is a good dad," he says, defiantly.

"Of course he is", Nora smiles, taking another cookie. "He's a great dad. So are you."

Kevin snorts.

"Don't be stupid, Kevin," Nora chides, "you and Scotty are doing a wonderful job. Paul is incredible."

Kevin smiles a crooked smile. "And he dotes on his uncles. I'm just waiting for the day he decides that Uncle Tommy is so much cooler than I am."

Nora laughs. "You mean, like Lizzy likes you better than her dad right now? That's normal, Kevin. It's part of growing up. To judge your parents, to compare them to other kids' mothers and fathers. - Do you remember the McCullochs?" she asks, then shakes her head. "Of course you remember. Danny. He was such a sweet boy. Whatever happened to him, anyway?"

"Lives in Norway, Mum," Kevin answers patiently, just like he did when she asked him the last time. "With his German husband and two cats. They send postcards once in a while."

"Oh," Nora says, pulling a face. "You already told me that, didn't you?" She looks embarrassed, and it hurts Kevin to see her like that.

"You don't have to remember all my ex-boyfriends, Mom."

"Well, I suppose I don't," Nora says, smiling gratefully. „Anyway – so back when Kitty was best friends with Abigail, we had this huge fight, and she told me that she wished Mrs. McCulloch was her mother instead."

"She did?" Kevin asks, taken aback. He remembers Mrs. McCulloch – she was nice enough, but she used to go through Danny's stuff when he wasn't home, under the pretense to clean his room, and she was always on some kind of diet. He didn't like her very much.

Nora grins, as if she knows excactly what he's thinking. "But you know," she finally says, serious again, "a few days later, she came home and said 'God, I'm so glad to have a mother like you. Don't know how Abigail does it.' And I just knew that she meant every single word."

She smiles, then gets up and starts to put their mugs into the sink. She's moving slowly, her back obviously bothering her.

"Mom?" he says, on impulse.

She turns around to look at him. "Yes, Kevin?"

"I never ..." he says and stops, choking on the words.

She wipes her hands on a towel and smiles. "I know, love. I know."

*

Kevin is only a little surprised when he comes home and finds Tommy sitting on their couch, watching TV, feet on the coffee table, nursing a beer.

"Paul is asleep. Scotty is at work. Told me that dinner's in the fridge and that I should kiss you goodnight. I hope you don't mind if we just skip the last bit."

"Fine with me." Kevin opens the fridge to get another beer for himself, then walks over and sits down next to Tommy on the couch. "So, who's winning?"

"Dude," Tommy says, looking at him. "Do you even know what kind of sport I'm watching?"

"Uhm," Kevin says, looking at the screen for the first time, and Tommy grins.

"You still suck at this, bro."

"Shut up," Kevin says, fondly.

"Lizzy told me you are going to take her to see the new Ang Lee movie?" Tommy says, finally.

"Yeah," Kevin nods warily. "If that's okay with you?"

"Sure," Tommy says, nodding emphatically. "Of course." He hesitates, then adds: "Julia and I could take Paul for a weekend in exchange."

Kevin raises a brow, and Tommy says hastily: "You know, I mean, so that Scotty and you can have some .. alone time. Whatever."

Kevin smiles. "Yeah, sure, that would be great."

He takes a sip of his beer and concentrates on the game. Sitting here with Tommy, kicking back, reminds him of former times, of what they used to be.

Now, they are parents, hardly children anymore. But the man next to him is still his brother. They are still family.

It's what counts in the end. 


End file.
